by Alleyprowler
Warnings & disclaimer: Parody. Not beta-read. All of stupidity belongs to me exclusively (although the GW characters don't).
Trowa was just putting the last coil of rope and the detonator cap into the top of his backpack when the front door of the safehouse opened up. Quicker than thought, he immediately had his gun out and trained on the intruder. "Who's there?" he demanded.
"Oh for the love of...put the gun down, Trowa, it's just me," Quatre said, stepping into the light.
Trowa's gun sagged. Pretty much all of him sagged, actually. Even his bang drooped. "But...weren't you captured by OZ?"
Quatre sat down on the chair next to the door and began to unlace his designer combat boots. "Yes."
"I don't understand...did they let you go?"
"Of course not! I lured a guard into my cell, knocked him out, stole his uniform and keys, and let myself out. The food was awful."
"But," Trowa sounded like he wanted to cry. "I was just about to stage a daring rescue and spirit you away and make you so grateful that you'd...nevermind."
"Well, you sure took your sweet time about it."
Duo sauntered in, drinking a soda and perusing the TV section of the daily newspaper. "Hiya, Quat."
"Hi, Duo. Is there anything to eat? I'm starving."
"Oh yeah, OZ food." Duo shuddered. "There's some leftover lasagna in the fridge." He spied the sagging figure on the floor. "Wow, Trowa, that was fast! I didn't even hear you leave."
Trowa sniffled dejectedly. "He rescued himself."
"He..." Duo stared at Quatre, who merely shrugged. "Aw, dude, you shouldn't have done that."
"What? Why not?"
"You just impugned his masculinity and undermined his seme status."
Quatre frowned disapprovingly. "Duo, you know you're not supposed to use those kind of words."
"Oh, sorry. I meant, you just pussified your main squeeze, dude. What's up with that?"
Quatre looked slightly guilty. "I'm sorry. I didn't think of that. I was just hungry." He stepped up to Trowa and patted him on the head. "There, there, Trowa. You're still very masculine and you can be on top tonight if you want."
"You're just saying that," Trowa sniffled.
Wufei strolled in and took in the tableau in front of him with a look of shocked disbelief on his face. Gasping in horror, he rushed to Trowa's side. "Oh my God, Trowa? Are you all right? Are you hurt? Do you need a hug?"
"WUFEI!" Duo and Quatre chorused.
Wufei smacked himself on the forehead. "Shit, I keep forgetting." He crossed his arms over his chest and schooled his features into a disapproving scowl. "Stop sniveling like a weakling, Barton."
"I'll bake you cookies," Quatre promised.
Trowa snuffled back the last of his tears. "Oatmeal with butterscotch chips?"
"Er..." Quatre glanced at Wufei, who gave him a thumbs up. Thank goodness for Wufei's pastry-baking skills! "Sure, Trowa. Whatever you want."
Trowa broke into a wide, sunny grin and threw his arms around his little blond love. "Oh, thank you, Quatre!"
"What is this, OOC night?" snarled a cold, nasal voice.
Duo rolled his eyes. "Hiya, Hee-chan," he said in a bored monotone.
"Shut up, baka." Heero set his laptop down on a work desk placed incongruously in the middle of the living room and began to type.
"Freak," Duo muttered under his breath.
Wufei, still scowling, bent to look over Heero shoulder. "Heero, I wish you'd quit e-mailing Relena those horrible mash notes. You know it creeps her out."
"Shut up. You're just jealous."
"It's not feasible, Heero," Duo said. "She's got your IP blocked!"
"DUO!" Wufei and Quatre yelled.
Duo winced. "Sorry. I meant, it's silly, dude, she won't read it!"
Heero threw himself over his laptop. "Dr. J says that girls like attention! You guys are all stupid and mean and I hate you all!" he said, and he began to sob.
Duo, Wufei, Trowa and Quatre would have yelled at him, but they all felt too sorry for him so they just left him alone. Trowa got up to wash the tears and black greasepaint off his face. Quatre went to get some decent food inside him. Wufei sat down beside Duo and helped him pick out a movie to watch. By the time all of them were comfortable, Heero had snapped out of his weird little funk and was trying to beat his high score in Minesweeper.
And they all lived happily ever after, except for Relena, who was so emotionally traumatized by Heero's e-mails that she was forced to renounce her worldly ways and join St. Alleyprowler's Rest Home for Abused Characters, but she looks awfully cute in a black habit, so that's okay.
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