Disclaimer: We don't own the pilots, the girls do and they and Trowa will kick our arses if we claim otherwise.
Notes: This is an early Birthday gift for the Evil Overlord, Hex-sama. We regret to inform that non-idiotic fangirl was hurt in the making of this fic. Big thanks to Lady Shadowphyre for the quick beta.
We want to give special thanks to our guest stars for this chapter, or should that be guess stars since we are not telling who they are and it's up to you to figure it out?
Keep your eyes open because we are going to have a lot of these guess stars showing up. Yes, the Pink Panthers have agents everywhere; there is no place to hide. *evil smile*
Someone had breached Pink Panther HQ! With the fangirls at large, and unsure as to whether the two threats were connected, the operatives had decided to split their forces. Alexa, Catherine, Relena and Dorothy were heading down to the basement to apprehend whoever had the nerve to attempt to break into the safe, while Raberta finished the debriefing regarding MaryKoi and ChibiSue.
Pausing outside the door, Alexa cocked her gun and nodded at the other girls. This was most unusual, not to mention downright annoying. No one had managed to get this far inside HQ before; usually the carefully placed boobytraps did the job they were designed for and caught intruders before they managed to get past level twenty-seven. "All ready?" she whispered.
Dorothy grinned at her, her hair an eerie shade of pink in the dim light. She drew her sword and ran one finger over it. Relena gave her best Peacecraft smile, but there was an element to it that the public never saw – this was definitely not a look that one would expect to see on a pacifist. Catherine tested the weight of her throwing knives, and nodded.
Whoever had dared to go up against the Pink Panthers would never know what hit them...until it was too late.
Entering the room quickly, the girls surrounded the two figures dressed in tight black outfits. "Turn around slowly," Alexa snapped, pointing her gun at them, "and keep your hands where I can see them."
The two intruders turned slowly and one of them smiled.
Quatre looked almost amused. "I told you that phone call was an important clue," he told his companion smugly.
Rolling his eyes, Trowa snorted. "Put the weapons down, ladies. I assure you we're not planning on going anywhere. At least not for the moment."
"Trowa Barton Bloom Winner!" Catherine threw one of her knives, pinning her brother by to the wall by his sleeve. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I would have thought that was rather obvious," Trowa replied, dryly. "Taking back what is ours." He paused, glancing at the bag of CD's Quatre was holding. "Just how long have you been recording us for anyway?"
"Long enough," said Alexa. She motioned with the gun. "Put the bag down, Quatre. Where are your manners? I do believe those are ours."
"That's an interesting concept of ownership," Quatre pointed out. "I don't remember either Trowa or I giving you permission to...capture any of our activities on film." He frowned. "And I know for a fact that there are no hidden cameras in our apartment. Why would you want to..." His voice trailed off and he blushed a rather fetching shade of red.
"We have to be kept well informed," Alexa told him smugly. She turned to the other girls. "Right, ladies?"
"Oh most definitely," Dorothy purred. "And that's a lovely colour you're turning, Mr Winner."
Quatre muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like 'shut up'. "Lower your guns," he repeated Trowa's earlier sentiment, before he walked over to his lover and removed the knife that was holding Trowa to the wall.
"So that you can go tell my husband and the other pilots about our organisation?" Relena shook her head. "I don't think so. We've worked too hard and for too long to simply let you go." She gestured with her gun, ignoring the glares the boys were giving her.
"Cathy?" Trowa turned to his sister. "What the hell is going on here? And who is this?" He nodded towards Alexa.
"Alexa Bond, at your service," Alexa gave a mock bow. "And Relena's right. You know too much for us to simply let you go." She pulled a couple of pairs of handcuffs out of her pocket.
"Bob knows you all too well," Dorothy shook her head in mock sadness. "You are a pervert!"
Alexa snorted. "Perversion is in the eye of the beholder, my dear." She threw one lot of handcuffs at Catherine who caught them neatly, and then placed her gun in her belt holster, and grinned at Quatre. "This one's mine."
The other girls glanced at each other. "Umm, Alexa…" Catherine rolled her eyes. "I thought that you weren't going to do that sort of thing anymore?"
Trowa and Quatre took a step backwards, their stance suggesting that they were prepared to fight their way out.
"Do what?" Alexa smiled sweetly. "For goodness sake, Catherine, what do you think I'm planning? I'm not evil, how many times do I have to tell you that. I've mended my ways, I'm now sweet, innocent, naïve...It's been at least two days since I wrote any angst and…."
"You're not a lemon writer!" Dorothy finished off for her. "Give us a break, Alexa, we know you, remember?"
"Yeah right, so says the woman who gave us all the material on these CDs. If anyone is kinky around here, it's you, Dorothy." Alexa sounded annoyed. "All I was going to do was cuff him so that he doesn't make a break for it, once we get above this level."
The boys exchanged another glance, and began backing towards the door. "It's been nice meeting you, Ms Bond," Quatre said politely, "but we really have to be going now. I have a WEI board meeting early in the morning and Trowa and I need to..."
Four guns turned on them in one fluid movement, Alexa having re drawn hers immediately. "Not so fast, little brother," Catherine chastised. "Cover me, Relena." She glared at Trowa, grabbed his hands and cuffed them behind him. "I'd do the same to your husband but someone appears to have the other cuffs."
"Is this really necessary?" Quatre asked. "I thought we were supposed to be on the same side! Cathy, Trowa's your brother..."
"I didn't see you complaining about handcuffs when you and Trowa were playing in the..." Alexa's voice trailed off. She'd said too much.
"How in hell did you know about?" Quatre took another step backwards. "And what's on those CDs...exactly? 3x4..." His voice trailed off and he turned pale.
Dorothy grinned. "Exactly, pilot 04." She shook her head. "For an ex Gundam pilot you're very slow on the uptake at times."
"But Trowa likes him to take it..." Alexa made a funny choking noise. "Now then, Quatre, be sensible. Dorothy's got you covered; how far do you think you'd get anyway? You're twenty seven levels underground and we have agents guarding every level."
"This is ridiculous. Just what is this organisation anyway?" Quatre put his hands in front of him and let her cuff him. "And I assure you that Trowa and I have no intention of trying to escape…"
"You forgot the yet, Cat," Trowa added dryly. "I'd like to know what my sister and our friends have got themselves into before we leave."
"Very sensible." Ignoring Trowa's comment, Relena nodded her approval of Quatre's plan. "Even if you got past the other floors you'd still have to confront our receptionist, and Jeannie is very good at what she does."
The other girls nodded in agreement. "Very good," confirmed Catherine. "Nothing gets past Jeannie, nothing and no-one. She knows all the secrets and isn't above using them to tease everyone if the need arises. She's our Vice-moderator."
Alexa nodded sagely. "And God knows we have enough vices around here."
MaryKoi could see her friend was confused. Her eyes were open wide and she kept looking around the place as if she was amazed by everything she saw.
ChibiSue was easily impressed, that's why MaryKoi had taken her under her wing. Being the most experienced of the pair, she had introduced her friend to the wonders of yaoi lemons, gay sex, boy smut, bondage and the different uses of peanut butter. She knew that ChibiSue looked up to her and that's why she tried to be a good example. They had been doing just fine. That was until that Alexa had interfered with all their plans, making them look bad.
"I hate Alexa," commented MaryKoi, letting all her anger manifest in her voice.
"I'm worried about her evil remarks affecting our popularity," said ChibiSue, looking concerned. "After we got all those nice reviews for 'Aishiteru My Koi'."
MaryKoi didn't have the heart to tell her friend that they weren't really that popular and that she had written all of those reviews herself in an attempt to look admired and attract more readers. MaryKoi was still waiting for her first authentic piece of feedback. "Don't worry. No one is going to listen to her, not once we get what we came here to find."
"And what is that?"
MaryKoi resisted the urge to hit her forehead. She was sure that she had explained that to ChibiSue countless times. Sometimes she really wondered if her friend listened to all the wisdom she had taken the time to share or if she was simply too busy thinking nonsense to listen to her. "We are going to get something more powerful than the mighty pink stick!"
"Is that why we are here?" asked ChibiSue gesturing to the violet sign that said 'Shinigami-Twin's One-Stop - Power Writing Shop: For all your fan fic and writing power needs.'
"After some research I concluded that this is the best place to go," said MaryKoi as she took her friend by the hand and dragged her inside the store. "The Pink Stick of Doom was forged here. If we are going to beat that pompous Alexa, we are going to need to be prepared."
MaryKoi didn't waste time looking through the bookshelves or the original series videos, but instead walked directly to the counter. When she noticed that there was no one there ready to help her, she banged the glass loudly and demanded to be heard at once.
Moments later a girl appeared from behind a violet curtain and stared at the girls with a look that froze them in place.
"You know," said the girl in a casual tone. "It's very rude to bang other people's property. I wonder if they teach manners any more."
MaryKoi felt like screaming. What was it with people these days? The world was out to get her again, she knew it! Everyone she met could think of nothing but how to make her life miserable. Still, she stayed silent because she had the suspicion that if she managed to piss off the girl behind the counter even more, she wouldn't be telling the story. She would smile, shut up and then plot revenge. Yes, sweet revenge.
"We came here looking for a specific item," announced MaryKoi, deliberately ignoring the girl's previous remarks.
"And what may that be?" the girl asked, with a disinterested tone. She was annoying MaryKoi more every second.
"Look, Shi," spat MaryKoi, after reading the nametag the girl was wearing. "We are the customers here so if you want us to buy something from your petty little store, you should treat us nicely."
MaryKoi heard ChibiSue gasp behind her and she could almost see her taking a step back.
"Actually," replied Shi while she checked out her violet nail polish. "You are free to leave. Our merchandise is very expensive, anyway."
MaryKoi clenched her fists and gritted her teeth. How dare that trashy girl imply that she had no money? MaryKoi had lots of money or at least she should have more than a girl who was forced to work in retail. "I need a Pink Stick of Doom," said MaryKoi raising her chin. "The biggest and mightiest you have; money is not a problem."
Shi put a hand beneath her chin and the other one was fidgeting with her violet scarf. "Sticks of doom, sticks of doom... I don't think we have those or anything like that in pink."
"That's fine," said ChibiSue, talking for the first time. "Pink sucks anyway."
MaryKoi rolled her eyes and turned around to look at her friend. "Shut up, silly."
"What did I do?" asked ChibiSue innocently,
"Lord, give me patience!" MaryKoi exclaimed. "We do want a pink stick!"
"But, why?" ChibiSue questioned. "I thought pink was only for annoying girls."
"Because, silly, if Alexa has a Pink Stick of Doom I want one too!"
ChibiSue nodded in understanding and MaryKoi could swear that she heard a chuckle behind her. She turned around but Shi was regarding her with the same boring look she had been using since she entered the store. MaryKoi dismissed the noise as an unimportant detail. Maybe she was imagining things.
"We are sorry but we don't manufacture Pink Sticks of Doom," announced Shi. "The one I think you are referring to was custom made. A very special request so it was a once in a lifetime thing."
"I want a stick!" screamed MaryKoi, no longer able to keep her temper in check.
Shi smirked. "Well yes, most of us do but the point is that what you want is impossible. However, I do have one 'Yellow Poking Thing of Delusion' left."
"A what?" asked MaryKoi, not feeling amused at all.
"A 'Yellow Poking Thing of Delusion'," repeated Shi. "It is really effective but I would understand if you don't want it. After all, it is quite expensive..."
At first MaryKoi hadn't been impressed at all with the weapon being offered but the fact that it was pricey said a lot about it. Nothing that was cheap was good and nothing that was expensive was bad. It was one of life's rules and common knowledge.
"I'll take it," announced MaryKoi with a triumphant voice. "Now, Alexa is going to be the doomed one!"
"I still say that the direct approach is the way to go," Sally said. "They're obviously misinformed and need re-educating."
"I'm sure I could re-educate them about a few things," Hilde agreed, leaning over the plans covering the conference table. "Hmm, this might work." She pointed to the page thirty-one of the Pink Panthers handbook. "Ten step plan for dealing with fanon and bad characterisations at the hands of under age fangirls."
"It sounds good to me," Une said. "We've had a lot of success with that one before, especially step seven." She finished cleaning her gun and slipped it back into the hidden holster inside her jacket. "I'm very fond of step seven."
"You're not the one who has to clean up the mess afterwards," Bob reminded her. "That last fic we had to deal with was really nasty."
"Zechs and the bananas," Noin shook her head, her lips pursed together. "These girls are so clueless. If only they knew what my husband really did with bananas..."
"Message from the away team," Jeannie poked her head around the office door.
"Away team?" Sally sighed. "You've been watching too much Star Trek again, haven't you?"
Jeannie snorted. "There's no such thing as too much Star Trek. I've been watching it for over thirty years and it's made me the woman I am today." She paused. "So do you want the goss or not?"
"Sure," said Bob. After all now that the others were returning they might as well wait before deciding to go ahead with their plan to take down the poor misguided fangirls.
"Now should I tell you or not?" Jeannie grinned. She settled herself on the top of Alexa's desk, and played with the top button of her leather jacket.
"Stop teasing!" Noin scolded her.
"Why?" Jeannie said. "There have to be some perks at my age."
Everyone in the room glared at her. "But we're nice sweet young things," Bob protested. "You aren't supposed to use our own methods against us. It's not fair!"
"All is fair in love and war," Jeannie smirked. "Anyway as I was saying…" She paused. "You did want me to tell you who they caught, right?"
"Yes!" They chorused.
Before she could answer, Alexa entered the office, Quatre and Trowa behind her, and the rest of the 'away team' behind them. The pilots were handcuffed and they both looked somewhat pissed off. "Jeannie," Alex said, "we're going to need some tea." She frowned, and rubbed at her temples. "I have a headache coming on."
"Right," Jeannie gave Quatre's hair a ruffle as she headed out to make the tea. "Hello, ducky," she said. "Going for a different kind of fashion statement with those handcuffs are we?" Quatre glared at her. "Tsk tsk. Trowa, you really need to teach that husband of yours some manners."
"There's nothing wrong with my manners," Quatre muttered. "I'm not the one going around handcuffing people and videotaping ..."
"They found the CDs?" Bob sighed. "I told you, Alexa, that keeping that many copies wasn't a good idea, but..."
"We have to be on top of everything to do our job properly," Alexa reminded her haughtily.
"There is one solution to all this," Une commented.
"Not step seven!" The other Pink Panthers all glanced at each other.
"We could..."
Jeannie's voice sounded over the office intercom and interrupted whatever Une was going to suggest. "Shi's on the phone," she announced. "Something about some fangirls buying her last 'Yellow Poking Thing of Delusion.'"
"Would someone mind telling us what the hell is going on?" Quatre took a step forward and placed his hands on the desk, the cuffs making a dull thud against the solid wood. "I think you ladies owe us at least that much."
Hilde snorted. "Owe you? We've been saving your cute butts for how long now?"
"Saving our butts?" Trowa raised an eyebrow.
"Shi is on hold," Jeannie reminded Alexa. "Do you want me to put her through?"
Glancing around the room, Alexa's face was grim. "This, ladies" she nodded in Trowa and Quatre's direction as well, "and gentlemen, is a declaration of war."
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